I'm kind of a big deal

Just to shock and amaze you...

2009-11-25T16:38:00.003-05:00

I have a client that I think is a really swell person. He is in his fifties. He is a father of 4. His wife is a friend of mine and decided to buy her husband the twelve Sessions of Structural Body Work as a birthday gift. She essentially paid for twelve fifty minute sessions. When he called to set up the first appointment he sounded nervous and twitchy. He explained to me that he had never had a massage before and I reassured him that it would be fine. We chatted for about ten minutes and I told him what to expect. He decided that for his first session he really wanted me to work on his pecs and he also decided that he wanted that to be combined with a full body Swedish massage. When I showed up at his house I could tell he was about to lose his mind. I tried to calm his nerves by being very kind and very professional. He suffers from chronic lower back pain and decided that he wanted me to work on his lower back and glutes. This is fairly common for me and I had no problem with it, of course. When I explained that in order for me to work on his glutes, he would need to be completely naked, his head almost exploded.
The massage was uneventful. I did a full body Swedish massage and I spent extra time working on his glutes and also did Structural body work with his pecs. At the end of our session, I felt that it was important to stretch his pecs out so that they wouldn't be sore the next day. This requires having my clients move to the edge of the table. I then hang their arm off the table and do special stretching techniques. We stretched his left side first and had no problem. I told him to scoot to the other side of the table so I could stretch out his right side. He was a little zealous when scooting over and must have misjudged how wide my table was because he fell off the table. Completely naked.

In my second session with him, he decided to keep his shorts on. In this session I was doing some very deep work on his abdomen. Because he suffers from lower back pain, I wanted to take some time and work on his Psoas major. To get to this muscle, I need to go underneath the guts. This is a very uncomfortable maneuver but as I explained it to him on the phone the day before, he sounded excited. He felt like this would really help with the back pain he is having. I told him to not eat breakfast that morning as I was worried that this deep work on such a sensitive area could cause some discomfort. As I was working on his abdomen, I could tell he was uncomfortable. I asked if he needed to take a break and he said yes and then confessed to eating breakfast. I helped him sit up so he could take some deep breathes. I watched as he turned white and then very quickly to green. He threw up all over the front of me as I help his arm, trying to support him and keep him from falling off the table.

This all happened about 3 months ago. I can not get him to call me back or schedule another appointment. Should I keep trying to get in touch with him or should I just refund the money to his wife? Looking forward to your advice.

Phone Call To Jesus

2009-08-20T22:27:00.003-05:00

Several weeks ago I was driving in my car to see a client who lives about 20 minutes south of me. I was driving along the 215 here in Las Vegas when I saw a billboard with a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross. This startled me. What on earth could this billboard be advertising? There was some generic catch phrase, something like, Jesus is there for you and a phone number. What are you trying to tell me, Billboard Jesus? That if I call this number, you are going to be on the other end? I doubt it.
I called the number. "Billboard ministries, this is Pastor Joe!" So peppy. So friendly. So not Jesus. I immediately hung up having no desire to chat with Pastor Joe. I am sure he thinks bad things about my religion. Those types usually do. I didn't think much about it until a few days ago.
I have been getting calls regularly from Pastor Joe. I never answer (I've named the number in my phone, Jesus. Which is fun when I am scrolling through my contacts and see Jesus there.) But, he always leaves me a nice little message and then 6 or 7 minutes of gospel music. I want to scream. Please stop. Please. Stop. I understand the motive. I do. But, really Joe. No thank you.

The Rules

2009-07-15T22:11:00.004-05:00

Today I went to a movie with a five year old little boy. We were going to see Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. As we sat in the theater and the lights started to dim, I felt my heart start to race. I was getting so excited to see this movie, I have been eagerly anticipating this for well over a year. I looked at this little man with hope shining in my eyes and gasped, "I am getting so excited! Are you excited?" He looks at me with disappointment and says, "Of course. But, shhh. You are not supposed to talk during the movie."
I didn't know what to say. I quietly apologized and thought to myself, this little boy was raised the right way.

It Was Time.

2009-06-10T09:35:00.002-05:00

One, please.

2009-05-01T17:57:00.003-05:00

When I moved to Maine almost 4 years ago I decided that I wanted to feel okay about doing things on my own. Going out to eat, going to the movies, just even leaving my house. I used to be the type of gal who wouldn’t do anything by myself and I decided that if I was going to move all the way to the other side of the country, I could go to a darn movie on my own. In Maine I worked as a nanny on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This left me loads of time to start doing things on my own. I started slowly, a Tuesday matinee. I remember being so nervous as I walked up to the window. I hung my head in shame as I bought one, only ONE ticket to see Employee of the Month. What I realize now is that I should have hung my head in shame in even considering a movie that pairs the worst comedian (Dane Cook) with the worst human (Jessica Simpson). The gal at the ticket window didn’t even bat an eye she handed me my ticket. My confidence soared. I walked through the halls of that theater in Portland, ME a new woman. I could do this. I really could. I took a deep breath as I prepared to walk into the theater, prepared to be judged and ridiculed by all those couples, people who had people to do things with. People who had friends. I really shouldn’t have worried. I was the only one in that entire theater. In fact, not counting a very uncomfortable viewing of the Last Kiss with an old pervert in the back, I never had to share a theater my whole 3 months that I lived in Maine. It’s very easy to be confident of no one judging me when there really never was anyone there to do the judging. After being fired (let go, laid off, call it what you want, it always feels like someone is telling you that they hate you and want you out of their face as soon as possible) and consequently, homeless, my sister was kind enough to take me in. I packed my things and moved the 270 miles down the east coast to Ridgefield, then Danbury, Connecticut. It was in Danbury that I was at the height of my alone movie watching career. If ever a free afternoon presented itself, I was sure to be at the movie theater. It was then that I even started attending movies alone at night. I would walk into a packed theater and think nothing of sitting as close to the middle as I could with my enormous Cherry Coke. I felt great being there with no one but me. Since this started almost 4 years ago, I’ve never looked back. Now, on weekends when everyone wants to go see the latest Zac Efron movie, I am secretly pissed at the idea of attending a movie with friends. Why can’t I lust after Zac on my own? Why do I have to make a decision about the quality of the movie just seconds after the credits start to roll? I love my friends. I am glad to have them. I even like going to movies with them. I just LOVE going by myself. One please.

Guys...

2009-04-30T14:39:00.002-05:00

I just really like corndogs.

I feel uncomfortable...

2009-04-13T23:47:00.003-05:00

About this forum discussing my Oprah blog. I am making so many people mad. It's hard because I think that what people took from my blog is that I am somehow jealous of Oprah or Tyler Perry or maybe that I want Tyler to buy me a car. Which, isn't true. I am not trying to tell Tyler how to spend his money. I am just trying to tell him that I think that he is a great big tool. That's all. Thanks for talking about me, guys. Makes me feel like a million bucks.

The Answer is...

2009-04-13T01:16:00.003-05:00

I've never gotten so much response from a single blog post than I did from my recent post chastising millionaire Tyler Perry for buying billionaire Oprah Winfrey a $300,000 car. These mostly came in email form to my hotmail account which I never check so it didn't really phase me. In fact, I felt really great about ruffling some feathers. I stand by my initial blog. Get real.
Other than hits on my blog coming from "Tyler Perry buys Oprah a car" the second most hit I get are from people all over the world who have one question on their minds. I like to imagine that it bothers them night and day. They think about it, they discuss it with their friends and they just don't know how to find an answer. And so they google it. They google it and they come to my blog. For my insight and my knowledge. This question: Are Redheads Attractive? In the last month alone, this has been googled and a blog hit over 50 times. So, in answer to this pressing question, my searching Internet friends, YES redheads are attractive. Yes, they are. Except for this one.

New Version of You

2009-04-01T23:44:00.002-05:00

For the last few months I have had a somewhat unusual schedule. I work as a nanny for a few hours in the morning and then for a few hours in the evening and that tends to free up my afternoons to build clientele for my small but really great out call massage business. This sort of schedule leaves some free afternoons with me wondering what to do with free time when the rest of the world seems to be in an office somewhere. I decided one afternoon to take advantage of my roommate Brooke's collection of tv shows on DVD. I started watching Felicity. This show was a great time but it consumed me. In every moment of spare time I was watching Felicity. On a free afternoon, at night before I go to bed, on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, while putting on my make up and even when soaking in the bath. I felt like for the last few months, I have been watching Felicity non-stop. I finished last night. I am so glad to be done. I think that I need to get a hobby to fill my time. Any suggestions? I have no artistic talent, I am not crafty and I have a slight case of ADD so this new hobby needs to catch and hold my attention. A prize for those with the best suggestion.
Things I loved about Felicity:
-The HAIR
-Ben Covington... yum.
-Javier
-Megan. More specifically, Megan's amazing transformation.
-All the "Heys'.
-UNY
-The amount of times the main characters checked their mail.
-That Felicity ended up with Ben.
-Megan and Sean's marriage.
-Lack of cell phones.
-Richard Code
Things I hated about Felicity:
-JULIE
-Sean's annoying personality.
-Felicity's out of character hook ups.
-Felicity's parents.
-Going back in time.
-Elena's resurrection.
-Ben's cheating.
-That deep down, even though you want Felicity to be a good person, you know she is a terrible person. She looses her virginity to a stranger, cheats on Ben's paper, cheats on her paper, cheats on Ben with Noel. Deep down, she is a big fat cheater.

Throw it up

2009-03-26T23:58:00.002-05:00

Tonight on 30 Rock, Jack gets some old home videos from his mom and in the one that they watch, he gets so excited that he pukes. And then it happens again at the end of the episode. He laughs so hard that he pukes. I got the idea from this show that this seems like something that is ridiculous. This, sadly, happens to me. Quite often. I haven't puked in a few years but I have gagged regularly. Weekly, in fact. It sucks.

David Sedaris

2009-03-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Guys! David Sedaris is coming to Las Vegas. Elizabeth and I are going and I can't freaking wait. May 3rd, seems SO far away.

Get Real

2009-03-06T12:36:00.004-05:00

Today I was watching a little bit of Oprah and she had Tyler Perry on as a guest (is he gay?) and she started telling a story of how generous Tyler is. I would love to share this story to you, in my own words, of course.

A couple years ago, Oprah was hanging out with Tyler Perry and he was driving a little white convertible Bentley. Oprah and Gayle were so impressed by this car that they spent a good amount of time talking to Tyler about it. Then, a few months later, it is Christmas and Oprah goes outside and Tyler Perry has given her a Bentley as a gift for Christmas. And also, he gave one to Gayle. And then Oprah and Gayle went on and on about how generous Tyler Perry is.

Now, I have a few things to say about this. I think that spending $300,000 on a friend for Christmas is a very generous thing. BUT when you give that car to Oprah Winfrey, one of the wealthiest women in the world, this is just the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. She doesn't need that sort of gift. Take that cash, buy about 30 Saturns and give them to people who don't have a car. Get REAL, Tyler Perry.

Also, Oprah talked a bit about the Rhianna/Chirs Brown situation. And guess what? Oprah doesn't know how to pronounce Rhianna. She kept saying Ray-hanna. Get real.

The Greatest Little Gal

2009-02-20T01:09:00.003-05:00

Most of you are aware that I nanny part time. I get to spend about 20 hours a week with this little gal and I couldn't love it any more that I already do. This job will be over in April. I don't know what I will do without her.

Stop Pointing at Me.

2009-02-13T01:38:00.007-05:00

Before I begin my rant today, I would like to remind everyone that I am a huge fan of redheads. It's been a goal of mine to date and marry one. I weasel myself into the lives of many of them. Example 1. Example 2. But recently, a redhead has come to my attention that I need to talk about.
Everyday on my way to work I pass four, yes, four billboards with Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson on them. And in every single picture, he is pointing at me. Something has happened to Carrot Top in the last few years. 1. He has started using steroids 2. He has started wearing eye liner. But, it's good to know that somethings never change. For instance, Carrot Top is still NOT funny.

I guess Carrot Tops trademark, besides his annoying prop humor and disgusting face is that he points. In every picture taken of him. I hate his billboards, I hate that he is making money in a show here. I am so sick of unfunny comedians (I'm talking to YOU! Dane Cook) making loads and loads of money. Who thinks these people are funny? And why?

Hey Carrot Top: Stop Pointing At Me.

Thinking

2009-02-10T17:57:00.002-05:00

Here are a few things I have been thinking about lately:

-Chris Brown hit Rihanna. I am still reeling from this news.

-I hate Miley Cysu$. And the Jona$ Brother$. I hate them so much. But I used to SO buy into that teeny bopper kind of thing. Does this make me old?

-Speaking of old, these last few weeks I have been driving a mini van for work. I LOVE it. All I can think is, would it be okay for me to buy one before I am even married? Before I am even dating anyone? I wish.

I just wanted to join the club...

2009-01-29T00:39:00.002-05:00

1. What's something new that you like?--I had this really great brownie thing at a ward get together recently. It was brownies on the bottom, chocolate chip cookie dough in the middle and a sort of chocolate sauce on the top that I can't think of the name of right now. It was sort of all wonderful in my mouth. It made me feel wonderful.
2. What's something new that you despise? --Well, this has been going on for about 6 months, so I am not sure if it counts as new, but Craig talked about the OC as something new and that show hasn't been on the air in years, so I am just going to use this. Bleaching my teeth. It makes me want to DIE. But, I can't help but doing it because I am totally addicted. But, I hate it.
3. What's a neat thing you did that made you feel great?--I played tennis today and I played up close to the net and I had loads of really great returns. It was awesome.
4. What's something that made you feel terrible?--I was at a party tonight and there is this guy that I know there. He was leaving and I told him goodbye. He came over to me to give me a five. I am always surprised when people give fives as anything but a congratulations. So, I questioned this, "Oh. We are going to give a five?" Then, for some reason, because I wasn't satisfied with this five, he insisted on a hug. He recently tore a ligament in his shoulder. It was the worst hug of my life. It was like I was hugging a dead fish. It made me feel terrible. And it was so unnecessary. I should have just given him the damn high five.
.5. What's a great quote you've come across recently?--I'm not too into quotes.
6. Who is a great mom?--My mom is pretty great. I can list a whole lot of reasons, but one of my favorite things recently is that I have been text messaging her just to get return text messages. Just because they are always in all caps so I feel like she is yelling at me. And my mom doesn't really yell that much. So, it makes me smile thinking of her text messaging and yelling. I just love her.
7. What is a word you cannot seem to get a hold of?--"regardless" I have talked about this before but for some reason, I think it might be Mean Girls, I always say irregardless. And that's not even a word.
8. What's something that let you down lately?--All of you who don't feel out this survey.
9. What's something that did not let you down lately?--My tennis skillz.
10. Now just list some words you think sound great:--
Tickle.
Chat
Deuce

As Promised

2008-12-28T23:54:00.004-05:00

Things That BUG Me:
-Loads of snow... Especially in a place where most of the appeal is the mild weather.
-When I ask a server for another drink/side of ranch/to go box/the check and I get an immediate, "No!" ...Really? Aren't you in an industry where you are supposed to be as accommodating as possible? I don't get whether they think this is funny or flirty or what. At first I just decided to play along, and respond with, "Please?" This would get a slight chuckle and the desired result. My new strategy is to look completely bothered (which isn't hard because I am) and say, "Hurry." Things get completely uncomfortable and I get what I want immediately. I am determined to make these people realize that this is not acceptable and not at all funny.
-Text messaging during a movie. I can't believe that some people can't go two hours without checking their phones and responding to text messages. That bright white/blue glare coming from that guy two rows in front of me is going to make me lose my mind.
-Missing that first ten minutes of Law and Order. If you miss the beginning, you just can't go on.
-An annoying cough that has lasted well over 3 weeks. A positive of this is that I currently have a very sexy raspy voice. The sexy goes completely out the window however when I start to cough so violently that I fear I am going to cough my lungs completely out of my body. Hot.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was a fine time filled with family, friends and loads of awesome food.

I know!

2008-12-18T01:20:00.003-05:00

I know! Ok, I know. I haven't blogged in a really long time. Give me a freaking break. I am working two jobs and have been busy. New blog to come, I promise. I am keeping a little list of the latest things that have pissed me off and I can't wait to share them with you. Just be patient my Internet friends.

Because it's all about free...

2008-11-22T20:08:00.005-05:00

If any of you know me at all, you know that I love three things the most. Conan O'Brien, Corn dogs and Dr. Pepper. Today I would like to talk to you about the latter.

Not only is Dr. Pepper a great soda pop that tastes just like candy, but I think that the company is pretty swell as well. Here is an example of that.

At the beginning of this year, Dr Pepper promised a free Dr. Pepper to everyone in the United States if Guns N Roses would release Chinese Democracy, an album that has been delayed since 1994, by the end of 2008. Recently, Guns N Roses announced that they are releasing Chinese Democracy on Sunday November 23, 2008. MEANING! That Dr. Pepper is now giving away free 20 oz Dr Peppers to everyone in America. Starting on Sunday at 12:01 am, there will be printable coupons for your free drinks at drpepper.com. They will be available for 24 hours and the coupons will be good until February 28, 2009. I will be taking advantage of this. Will you?

PS I don't give a crap about Guns N Roses.

"Put him in a body bag, Johnny!"

2008-11-07T01:40:00.003-05:00

You guys, my bangs are in such a need of a trim that I am starting to look like Johnny from Karate Kid. Diana! Help me!

I'm A Winner

2008-10-17T20:34:00.003-05:00

I am quite possibly the best aunt ever. I take my nieces and nephews on dates, I buy them ice cream even with their folks tell me not to, I will read the same books over and over just to get them to sit on my lap and I have no idea how many times I have played Horsey, Horsey* over the last 8 years. But, I have finally outdone myself this time. I was planning on taking the crew to High School Musical 3 as I know this will somehow push me into the first place aunt in their eyes once and for all. This movie comes out on October 24.
Well, the other day I was driving in the car listening to a ridiculous radio station called 93.1: The Party and they were having a contest for some early release tickets to the movie on October 22. I called the number. I won. I got four tickets and I will be taking Campbell, Emily, and Jonah. They will having bragging rights at school to tell everyone that they were the first to see this movie. AND it's on a school night. They will be out way past bedtime. Best. Aunt. Ever. Take that, Brooke, Shellby, Kellen and Laycee. Suckas.

*Horsey, Horsey is played by holding the child on your lap, wiggling your knees while singing,
"Horsey, horsey goes to town,
Horsey gets tired and horsey falls DOOOOWWWWN."
And on DOWN, you make them think that they are going to die, falling off your lap. I know it sounds terrifying, but I promise, this game only ever ends in giggles. It's a sure hit. Give it a try. Have fun.

Wedding

2008-10-16T14:44:00.003-05:00

My little sister got married this last weekend. It was a fine time. I am happy to report that I caught the bouquet, so I will be getting married soon. So, that's exciting.
The Gals:

Also, Oliver and Margy, look who I got to hang out with. Jealous?

Rent

2008-10-01T12:48:00.003-05:00

A little over a year ago I had to opportunity to see Rent on Broadway. I've loved the music for a long time, so it was a really exciting day for me. The show is now closing after 12 years on Broadway and I was really sad to hear about that. I had dreams about taking my children to see the show, then immediately following, having to explain about homosexuals, AIDS, cross dressers, Cocaine, squatters, suicide, dog murder, selling out, starving artists, why Bennie was the bad guy for kicking Roger and Mark out of their house even though he owned it and they hadn't paid rent, support groups, pay phones, strippers, handcuffs, sex, and how no matter how much unprotected sex you have or how much needle sharing you do, you should never regret anything. Especially contracting AIDS.

No day but today, y'all.

As Requested, by Craig

2008-09-11T17:23:00.006-05:00

Sleep with or without clothes on? -I sleep with my pjs on. Recently I bought a nightshirt that I've really enjoyed.
Prefer black or blue pens - At work I have to use blue pens to prove that something is an original.
Dress up on Halloween? - I do like to, but I am never very creative. For 5 years in a row I was a cat but then last year I was a pumpkin. Maybe I'll try to figure something else out this year.
Who sleeps with you every night? - No one.
Think you're attractive? - For sure.
Want to get married? -Of Course.
Do long distance relationships work? - No, I need more attention than a phone call every evening after work. Although, Bridger and I did discuss the possibility of this last night, so we might just go for it, who knows.
Do you believe in astrology? - Not really. But, I do enjoying reading my horoscope.
Do you believe in love at first sight? - Nope
Do you think dreams eventually come true? - Hopes and dreams? Oh sure. Why do you think I am a Legal Secretary? Because I hoped and dreamed for it.
Favorite fictional character? -Atticus Finch
Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? - No, I could survive without ALL of you.
What went wrong in your last relationship? - Oh who cares.
Is there anyone you trust even though you should not? - Oh, I'm sure.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away? - I've never given my "all" to anything in my entire life.
Ever kissed someone you regretted after? - Oh sure, all the time.
Ever had your heart broken? - Probably not.
Ever broken somebody elses? - Probably not.
Who has the power to make your world fall apart? - No one. I am not an emotionally unstable freak.
Want to say something to someone? - I want to say lots of things to lots of people.
Wish things could have gone differently with someone? - This is so vague. I don't even know how to answer this.
Hows your heart lately? - It's fine. Thanks.

Voting Changes Lives

2008-09-03T14:23:00.003-05:00